Upadanas drive us further apart

The topic of friendship has been on my mind recently. I ponder about the cases where people do not get along (including my own cases), and I keep coming back to kilesa and upadanas (attachments) being the origin of the breakdown.

More importantly, it always takes two people with upadanas to result in a conflict.

I. Sensual Pleasure

Those who are attached to sensuality tend to step on others in order to achieve what they want. Mix two of them, and they will fight over their most desired sensual object. An extreme case of this is an open conflict involving drugs, women, or money, which is all too common.

II. Ideas

Those who are attached to ideas always have to be right, and will attack your ideas in order to maintain their superiority. Mix two who are both attached to ideas and it won't be pretty either. It is quite known that two know-it-alls never mix well.

III. Rites and Rituals

Those attached to rites and rituals will be rigid and delusional. Mix two who believe in different rituals and they also will never agree. It is no surprise that the object of rituals, be they idols, symbols, holy relics, or garbs, are the subject of much debate around the world.

IV. Selfhood

Those attached to one of the skandhas as themselves will interpret natural occurrences as being them, about them, done to them, or belonging to them. This attachment is very abstract and so can create a variety of problems. On a simpler level, I'm sure one can see how people who make everything "about them" tend to drive others away.

Breaking the cycle

When faced with strong upadana in others, what's under my control? If they're open to suggestions, I can teach them about the upadanas. If they are not open to suggestions, then they are out of my control. What I can control is removing myself from the flame that requires two people to fan.

People who are attached to these things are not to be despised, they are to be understood.

For example, when debating a topic and the other person used underhanded tactics to misrepresent your argument, you may feel compelled to retaliate, but that will not be productive. Instead, if you are fortunate enough to retain mental clarity, you may recognize that this person's upadana is very strong. They are not interested in the discussion, but they are interested in being right. But you may also see that you play a role in this: your instinct to retaliate is also borne out of your own upadana: the need to make the other person wrong, so that you are right. That will not get you anywhere as it is just the same problem with the roles reversed.

Another vicious cycle I'm familiar with is the mix of sensual pleasure and selfhood. One person desires money, food, sex, or comfort and the other desires self validation, to feel important. The one who needs self-validation derives pleasure from feeling useful, whereas the other party receives simple pleasures resulting from this weakness. Both parties have upadanas which feed back upon each other, and can only end when one of the participants awaken.

You cannot sever the other person's upadana, but you can sever your own. Some day, once their upadana subsides, and they show willingness to break the cycle of aggression, perhaps you can engage in a dharmic discussion which will make you stronger friends.